Guilt
by Crimsarious
Summary: Lena is alone in her and Emily's apartment, yet she's anything but relaxed. An intense feeling of guilt is plaguing her, but she doesn't know why. She wasn't in control during that moment, after all. So why? Why is it plaguing her? And how on earth will she explain it to Emily when she returns?


It had just been a celebration. That was all it had been. A celebration. To celebrate a successful mission. It was justified. Then why was she acting like this?

Lena paced around her and Emily's apartment with great speed and a nervous expression. She felt like she was going to throw up at any moment, yet she couldn't stand still. Her guilt was tearing her up. But why?

The young brit tried to argue against her guilt in her head, but it had no effect. She just kept dreading the moment Emily stepped inside the door, and she'd have to explain it. How it just started as fun. Or at least, it had felt like fun. Now it just felt like torture, whenever she thought about it.

Lena suddenly stopped and breathed heavily. She turned towards the window, where the evening sun was slowly dissapearing behind the buildings of London.

She couldn't take it anymore. Completely forgetting she could just blink there, Lena slowly walked out into the bathroom.

She stepped inside and was immediately greeted by her own reflection, looking at her from the mirror.

With a loud sigh, and no improvement in her emotions, Lena closed the door behind her and walked over to the mirror that hung over the sink.

She placed her hands on the aformentioned sink, and after a few seconds with closed eyes, she stubborningly looked up and into her own eyes. She just stood like that for a few seconds, until she took a deep breath.

"Stop it." She said to her reflection, and her reflection to her.

"You did nothing wrong! You should not feel this way!" She tried, yet the feeling of guilt in her gut didn't dissipate.

"No..." She then said, as she hung her head again. "That's a lie." She admitted, still with somewhat heavy breathing.

She was right. She had done something wrong. Very wrong. But it wasn't her fault. It had been a celebration, and it was the alcohol that had controlled her. Not herself. It wasn't her fault. Right?

"Oh, stop!" She suddenly exclaimed in a rather loud voice, as she looked up in the mirror and her reflection again.

"You may have done something stupid, but who hasn't?! She'll understand! It wasn't your fault!" She kept arguing to her reflection.

"It was the alcohol! You weren't yourself!" She continued, and to her surprise, it was slightly working. She breathed a thankful sigh of relief, and hung her head slightly again.

Slowly and with calmer breath, she turned around and reached for the door to the rest of the apartment, but before she reached it, another thought appeared in her head.

Had she... enjoyed it?

Lena immediatey froze. The thought itself hadn't exactly come out of nowhere, but it hadn't been very noticable either. It was like a small mistake. Not very noticable, but once you saw it, you couldn't unsee it.

At first, Lena desperately tried to shake the thought away. But it had already gained a foothold.

The intense guilt suddenly returned, and Lena instinctively grapped her stomach, that felt like it was twisting and turning inside her again.

Lena half walked, half stumbled back to the sink and looked back at her reflection.

After a few seconds of thinking, she eventually sighed before speaking up. "Perhaps you enjoyed it, but that was the alcohol! Not you! You would never take pleasure from that sort of thing!" She said, as she pointed an accusing finger at her reflection, just as it pointed one back at her.

She stood for a second, thinking of what to do. What to say. To herself and Emily. But as she did, her thoughts began unwillingly drifting. Drifting towards the dreaded night.

Then, she saw them.

Everythig around her was hazed, blurred by the alcohol. As was the voices. They were distant, far. She thought she heard her name, but she wasn't sure. All she could focus on was the only thing that stood clear in front of her.

She saw them before her, like she was reliving it.

The brown eyes that were looking into hers. The lips, formed in a smile, that was occantionally licked by the tongue.

There was an expression in her eyes, yet the alcohol made it difficult for Lena to see what it was. Perhaps a mix of alcohol and wishful thinking had made her see...

"Wishful thinking?" Lena suddenly asked herself. Her guilt only increased, as she felt a great deal of shame over even considering that. That she, somewhere deep down, wished something, someone, other than Emily.

Her guilt made her stomach keep turning, yet all Lena did was grip even tighter around the sink. Her breathing got slightly faster, as a new feeling suddenly appeared: Anger.

Why did she feel this way? It wasn't her fault, why wasn't she able to see that? Why did all these thoughts constantly plague her, when she had been under the influence of alcohol? Why?

"... Why?" The last thought escaped Lena's mouth. Her shoulders began to slightly tremble. Then suddenly, in one outburst, she let out her anger with a hard punch to the mirror.

The glass shattered around her fist, and Lena let out a sigh. Though it hadn't helped much with the guilt, it had helped a little on her anger.

She removed her fist and inspected the crater. It wasn't very big, but it would still mean that they would have to buy a new one.

Lena just stood, bend over the sink, for a good while, her mind a blank slate.

Eventually, she raised her head and looked at her reflection. "You're not at fault. She'll see that." She mumbled, but the tired expression of her reflection didn't help much.

Realizing there wasn't much else she could do, Lena just threw some cold water in her face, before exiting the bathroom.

As if on a cue, when she closed the bathroom door, she could hear the main door open. The sound of Emily's humming reached Lena, and for the first time in her life, it was an unnerving sound.

As Lena stood and mentally prepared to meet Emily, she could hear the humming getting closer and closer. Eventually, it stopped.

"Oh, 'ey Lena. Didn't expect you to be here." She said, and Lena opened her eyes and looked at her.

"Hi Emily." Lena greeted, trying to sound as relaxed as possible. She completely failed, and Emily wasn't inattentive.

"Are you okay?" Emily asked, but all Lena did in response was gulping.

"Lena? You're acting... kinda strange." Emily noted, before slowly walking closer. "I've..." Lena started, but her words failed her. Like she'd failed Emily, her thoughts sounded.

"Come on and sit, and then explain it to me." Emily offered in an encouraging voice. She took Lena by the hand and lead her over towards the coutch. As they went through the living room, they passed Lena's chronal accelerator.

Lena's eyes immediately fell on it.


End file.
